James Potter is Thick
by 2Padfoot00Moony7
Summary: Sirius and Remus think James needs some stronger glasses if he really doesn't realise what's going on...  RLSB


**James Potter is Thick.**

* * *

><p>Wearing nothing but Sirius' shirt, Remus lay back on his bed breathing hard. Collapsing down next to him, Sirius pushed hair damp with sweat away from his face.<p>

Neither of them looked at each other and it wasn't until their breathing had finally calmed that Sirius asked, "Did that really happen?"

Remus nodded, murmuring in his throat, "I think it did."

"Well… I can safely say we've just destroyed our friendship," Sirius said breathlessly, yet made no move to dress or remove himself from Remus' bed.

"Definitely, -"

"What a day I've had!" James wailed as he walked in, collapsing between them, "I cannot _believe _some of the people around here!"

Wide eyed and panicked, Remus and Sirius shared a horrified glance, both jumping up into a seated position and trying to hide simultaneously, "Er - hello James?"

"You could offer me a drink you know, some of that Firewhiskey you keep under your bed Moony?" James suggested.

"Oh- er - right, yeah," Remus hurriedly got off the bed, dropping to his knees as he reached under his bed for a dusty bottle.

"I swear Professor Slughorn hates me! First off he gives me bloody detention because of _Snape _and then, just when I find out Lily has got one too, she complains _and he lets her off the hook!"_ James was saying animatedly, waving his hands around widely as he emphasised his point.

Thrusting the bottle into a gesticulating hand, Remus sat back down, shooting Sirius an anxious glance who shrugged in reply.

"So after that-" James trailed off, squinting at his bed, "I know you tend to be messy Padfoot, but why are your boxers on _my _bed?"

"Er-" Sirius floundered, "How do you know they're mine and not Remus'?"

"Because I'm pretty certain Remus would _never _wear boxers which have 'Too hot to handle!' wrote all over them," James replied nonplussed.

"Oh well - er - Me and Remus were - er -" he shot Remus a desperate look but he looked just as stuck as Sirius, "Well, we were - er - we were trying out this new spell for Snivellus, it went a bit wrong though."

James eyed him suspiciously but gratefully didn't press it, "So then he tells me I have to clean the entire classroom four times, _four times! _Without magic may I add -" he stopped again, this time frowning at the light shade, "Why on earth is there a tie up there?"

"That prank," Remus replied smoothly, "What were you saying?"

James launched straight back into his tale, still failing to notice his sweaty, hardly clothed best friends, "So then, that _bastard _accidentally. Hah! Accidentally my arse! Spilt an entire grease potion over the first desks and told me -"

Remus sighed as James stopped yet again.

"… Remus?"

"Yes James?"

"Why has your bed moved?" James was turning around to look behind him where the bed was at least four inches from a wall it had been pressed up against.

"Spell…?"

James shook his head, "Spells can't move the beds. Only moving them manually works." As James had discovered in first year when he decided his bed was too close to the door for his liking and had so moved it precisely fourteen centimetres and seven millimetres to the left.

Sirius and Remus shared another, horrified glance and Remus cleared his throat, "We - er - were playing a game."

"A game?"

Remus squeaked, rapidly continuing with his bizarre explanation. "Yes. I - er - was telling Sirius about Grand Designs, you know that muggle t.v show? And well he decided he wanted to move the furniture around in here. Modernise it a bit you know."

"… and you moved it a couple of inches?"

"Sirius got bored and started… started doing other things instead." Well that part was true at least.

James gave them a weird look but still determined to get his story out, gave up. "Anyway… After I'd done that, who should I run into but that Malfoy lad. Nasty piece of work he is. He started going on at me, about you actually Padfoot, saying that I should pay more attention to you and maybe I'd see that you were shagging that 'weird Lupin kid', his words Moony, oh how I laughed at that -"

Remus and Sirius shared an incredulous look. Was there friend refusing to acknowledge it or was he just plain thick?

James started staring at Remus' neck, once again stopping his tale. Sirius mentally slapped himself as James prodded Remus' neck, looking puzzled, "You've got a hickey Moony."

Bringing a hand up to it, Remus ran his fingers over it, glaring coolly at Sirius, "So I have."

"That looks fresh. You had some girl or something?"

Remus chuckled darkly, "Not quite."

"So… how have you got that then?" James was still pointing at it.

Remus sighed, thinking quickly, "Old scar maybe? I don't know…"

James laughed, "Remus, I'm not stupid!" Remus rose his eyebrows at that, James was sat between two people who were hardly dressed and he _still _hadn't clicked. "Somebody's just given you that not an hour ago."

"Er -"

"Well, don't be shy! Who was it?" James nudged him, winking, "Who's finally caught or Moony's attention?"

'How thick are you James?' Remus felt like saying, out loud however, he said, "I'd rather not name names."

James shrugged, stifling a yawn, "Okay… Well I'm knackered anyway, going to call it a night now. See you in the morning."

Waiting until James was safely enclosed behind curtains, Remus and Sirius turned to each other, gob smacked, "Isn't the Headboymeant to be a _little_ smarter than that?"

**.x0x.**

Sirius and Remus were quite enjoying themselves in the shower a couple of days later when the door snapped shut and once again, in walked James.

Promptly pushing Sirius to the floor, Remus smiled at James, heart beat racing, "Why hello James."

"Hey Moony," James yawned again, stretching as he began unbuttoning his shirt. "Aggh! I hate mornings."

Remus smiled tightly and hissed sharply as Sirius began to kiss his legs, slowly moving upwards.

James got into a shower stall at the opposite end; his favourite for some reason. He began singing to himself, almost completely ignoring Remus.

Gripping the top of the stall tightly, Remus watched his knuckles turn white, sucking in a breath, he subtly kicked Sirius, "So do I."

James stood under the shower, letting the hot water beat on his chest as his atrocious singing died down to a hum. "I thought you were a morning person Remus?"

Remus shook his head, his hands starting to bend the top of the stall and he immediately let go, kicking Sirius again, "Sometimes," he muttered through gritted, "Other times certain little - brats - get in the way."

Rolling his eyes, James smirked at him, "Sirius annoying you again?"

"Oh definitely."

"I wonder where he is actually," James said thoughtfully, "He wasn't in his bed so I assumed he'd be in here…" Remus murmured again, trying very hard to ignore the animagus… "Oh look. His towel's in here." James frowned, looking closer, "So are his clothes. Where the hell he is then?"

"I - er -" Remus began but Sirius straightened up, smiled toothily at James before reaching past Remus for the shampoo.

"Sorry… I dropped the soap," he told them both cheerfully.

James said nothing, just rinsed his hair before he finally realised, "Hang on… Why are you two in the same shower?"

Remus and Sirius stared at each other, Remus mumbling something about locking charms and Sirius staring dumbfounded at James, "Well… it - er - it - it all started with the soap! Haha! Yes! Soap! I dropped my soap and it moved all the way to Remus' stall and I had to come and get it."

James nodded, said something about 'soap can be quite annoying' before turning his shower off, towelling himself dry, collecting his clothes and heading back to the dorm. Remus shook his head, "No wonder Lily keeps saying no."

**.x0x.**

"What are we doing Sirius?" Remus asked breathlessly as they stood pressed together behind a statue.

"Enjoying ourselves," Sirius replied simply.

Remus gripped Sirius' hands tightly, moving them from his trousers, "I mean.. what are we now? I think that this goes well beyond the scope of best-friends."

"We can be whatever you want us to be my dear. Right now however, we have about ten minutes left so can we please stop talking and put our mouths to better uses?" Sirius smiled friendlily at him though his grey eyes held a slightly feral look.

Remus sighed, but nodded all the same.

**.x0x.**

"Oh hi guys," James said brightly. He'd opened the Broom Storage cupboard only to find two of his best friends squashed together inside it, both completely shirtless. "What you up to?"

"Hide-and-seek." They replied in unison.

"Ooh. Who you hiding from?"

"Lily."

"Peter."

"Er - which one is it?"

"Both of them," Remus said, moving away from Sirius slightly.

"Okay… I wanna join in! Budge up!" James grinned, squashing in with them. "Should I loose my shirt or is that just…?"

Speechless, Sirius and Remus said nothing. If only James new what he'd asked to join…

Remus was the first to recover, "Er - no, you can leave the shirt on."

"Why aren't you wearing yours?"

Remus, pressed up against the back wall with Sirius leaning heavily on him, only grunted in reply as Sirius began slipping his hand dangerously low. Sirius grinned impishly, having his back to James gave him an advantage.

"The Slytherins got us," Sirius invented, "We didn't get chance to hex them back mind…" Remus moaned softly, quickly turning it into a cough.

"Oh." James stated before going off on a tangent, "You know Lily? Well guess what? She actually talked to me today! Imagine! Her starting a conversation with me!" James sighed happily, "It was about you two incidentally, something about seeing you together in the library? I told her that you were probably looking for a book-" He frowned at them, "Moony?"

"Hngg…" Remus managed intelligently.

"What are your hands doing in Sirius' back pockets?"

Unable to think coherently, Sirius answered for him, "He's looking for the Marauder's Map. You might want to try the front actually my dear…"

No more was said.

**.x0x.**

In the middle of the night, Sirius and Remus were in Sirius' bed enjoying a very long kiss when James appeared from seemingly no where and sat down on the end of if, sighing dramatically.

"I hate that bastard. I was almost having a conversation, _a proper conversation, _with Lily Evans and then he storms up and bloody well shouts at me for absolutely fucking nothing!" James sighed again, staring at Remus and Sirius as though it were their fault.

Sirius was laid on top of Remus, both were totally naked and they stared at James with pure shock written on their faces, frozen in their position.

"I know! Unbelievable isn't it! So I told him that, quite honestly, I had no idea _who _had being using his classroom as a make-out point. The best of it is, is that he actually accused Lily, _Lily, _of being in there with me!"

Remus and Sirius still didn't speak though Remus' hands slipped from Sirius' neck where he'd been pulling the animagus down to him.

Clearing his throat, Remus decided things had gone too far. Even Crabbe and Goyle would know what they were doing by now. "James… are you fucking blind?" He all but yelled. Very eloquently. He had had enough of the interruptions.

James blinked rapidly, "Pardon?"

Sirius sighed, "Take a good look at us James, a very good look."

"…And?"

"It's exactly what it looks like," Sirius growled.

James frowned again.

"We were shagging," Remus explained in simple terms for him.

And to their utter surprise, James burst out laughing, "Yeah… Right." He kept on laughing, "Oh you guys! Setting all this up to make me feel better!"

Remus and Sirius each rose an eyebrow, "No. We really are together."

"No need to keep pretending now, the cat's out of the proverbial bag!" He kept on laughing at them, "As if you two would ever shag! You're both straight for one thing!"

They glanced at each other again before laughing loudly and flakily, "Yeah.. Haha… glad you liked it," Sirius said, clapping James on the shoulder.

Sniggering, James stood up, "Well thanks for cheering me up guys! I owe you one!" Still laughing and shaking his head, he climbed back into his own bed.

"… Maybe we should just wait for him to finally catch on?" Sirius suggested.

"You mean never then?" Remus replied, before insisting they returned to their previous activity.

Thick friends can make life easier…

**.x0x.**

"When are we going to tell him?" Remus asked as he and Sirius headed back to the Common Room after a particularly heated encounter in the forest.

Sirius smirked, "I don't think we should. Just keep making excuses till he finally cottons on."

"Yes. But we might end up making excuses till we're sixty odd and then he'll suddenly realise that we live in a one bed roomed flat or something. Even then he'd think that you were simply scared of the dark."

Sirius grinned at him, "That, my dear, is the fun of it."

Catching on, Remus grinned in reply, "So we're just testing out how naïve and utterly stupid Prongs can be?"

Sirius nodded, "Yhup."

**.x0x.**

James had been in the restricted part of the library under the cover of darkness, when he heard a very male voice moaning _Remus _loudly. Being the inquisitive sod he was, James crept over to where the noises were coming from.

Hearing the footsteps approaching, Remus hurriedly pushed a very naked Sirius out of the alcove they had both been pressed into.

Quickly grabbing a book to cover his dignity, Sirius tried to look as dignified as possible when the wand light fell on him. "Sirius?" James said incredibly, "What are you doing here?"

Looking very flustered, Sirius started garbling something about flying monkey nuts and gesturing wildly before he finally seemed to remember that he was _meant _to be holding a book in a certain place. Blushing furiously, he quickly clamed down, "I came for a walk."

"… in no clothes?"

Sirius shrugged, "I sleep naked on a night and I couldn't be bothered getting dressed."

Like an idiot, James accepted this excuse, "Of course. Is Moony around here?"

"M-Moony? Why would Moony be here? He isn't here, I mean why would Moony be in he library at this time of night… stupid, Moony isn't here, of course he isn't here -"

"Sirius?"

"Yes James?"

"Shut up."

"Right, sorry." The two boys stood there, Sirius desperately trying to think of something to make James go away and James trying to keep his eyes from zoning in on that book. "Er… Why did you want Moony?" Sirius asked eventually.

Blinking, James uncertainly replied, "I could hear somebody saying his name and just thought I'd say hello."

"Oh." Sirius frowned, "So why are you still here?"

"I can't exactly leave him alone in a library can I!" James sat down on the old wooden desk, "We'd never get him back. I'm just going to wait for him." James chuckled slightly at his own joke. "Now are you sure you haven't seen him?"

"Positive."

"Oh. Well his wand's next to yours."

Jumping, Sirius blushed again, cursing his dirty mind as he started stuttering, "H-ha… the sneaky little werewolf must be planning on pranking us!"

A fully dressed Remus stepped out of the alcove at that moment, smiling slightly and reluctantly pulling his eyes from Sirius' behind. "Why hello. Couldn't find your clothes Padfoot, you're going to have to walk back naked."

Sirius stared at him, wide eyed. "P-pardon?"

Remus rolled his eyes, "Your clothes that we were looking for. Those stupid Slytherins must've hidden them somewhere else." Remus sniggered evilly, "And you can't take that book Sirius. I simply cannot allow you to take out a book on the mating habits of a nargle."

Grumbling, Sirius swore mentally that Messer. Moony was going to _die. _Once Sirius had had his fun mind you.

"These Slytherins must like seeing you naked or something Sirius, that's the second time they've charmed your clothes off you!" James intercepted, pushing himself off the desk, "Come on then. Let's go back."

Sharing a surprised glance, Remus and Sirius started following him but Remus stopped when they reached the end of the row, "Put the book back Padfoot." _or else._

Pouting at him, Sirius silently begged with his eyes.

But Remus shook his head, holding his hand out for the book. Glaring fiercely at him, Sirius reluctantly handed it over.

And that's how Professor McGonagall found three Gryffindor students wandering around the school at four in the morning.

One totally naked, one humming obliviously and one trying to look anywhere but at Sirius' backside.

**.x0x.**

"Peter's snoring again." James announced, flopping down onto a sofa with a yawn.

Remus, whom was pinned up against a wall by Sirius, smiled sympathetically and pushed Sirius off him before sitting down next to James, trying to ignore the blush staining his cheeks as well as the fact that every button on his person had been undone.

"You're flying," James muttered as he shut his eyes and curled up, stifling another yawn.

Making himself comfortable on the werewolf's knee, Sirius laughed. Remus tried to push the animagus off but Sirius refused to budge, stating quite simply, "He's an idiot. I don't think he'll even notice."

Remus couldn't argue with that.

"So… Were you trying out some new moves on Moony?" James asked conversationally as Sirius began to slip his tongue in Remus' ear.

"Sure," Sirius replied, using one hand to push Remus' shirt off and the other to pull his own off.

"What are you doing?" Remus whispered in his ear.

"Seeing how long it takes for James to cotton on; just like we said," Sirius replied, moving to kiss Remus' neck.

James nodded, "Thought so. You should try them out on Peter. Would scare the living daylights out of him."

"I can safely say it would," Remus muttered, closing his eyes and trying to forget that James was sat watching them.

"Sirius? What on earth are you doing?"

Sirius looked up from where he'd been pulling Remus' zip down with his teeth, "The zip was stuck," he replied simply, going back to his task in hand. James frowned, hadn't Remus being flying a minute a go?

Laying his head back on the sofa with one hand gripping Sirius' hair and the other clenching the cushion cover, Remus was waiting for James to suddenly jump up screaming in disgust.

The time ticked by whilst James just watched them dumbly, half asleep.

"Oh my god! This is past the point of being ridiculous!" Remus cried, some five minutes later. "Prongs, how bloody thick are you!"

"Pardon Moony?"

"Me and Sirius have being shagging," Remus informed him through clenched teeth, "You have walked in on us a total of five times now and it has got to stop." Pointing down at Sirius, he told James seriously, "Sirius is _not _attempting to fix a broken zipper, neither is he asleep or fainted or anything like that."

James nodded, waving an impatient hand, "Oh I know that! You two have been at it like rabbits for the past few days," he laughed, "I'm not thick you know." James giggled, "Oh… sorry, I forgot we were playing the game where you make up completely stupid excuses and expect me to buy them!"

Their jaws dropped.

James laughed again, "You mean you think I didn't know?"


End file.
